A letter to someone I used to Know


We go back way back, where time did not exist when we lived in a different plane created just for us...

I knew I lost you when I would close my eyes and I could not see you there. God knows how many times I tried to re-create our memories in my mind but I would always fail, time after time until I buried you somewhere deep in my mind, so deep that I forgot about your existence you died and I have killed you. Being around people who used to be part of your life, has brought back memories, mostly empty memories as you are nothing but a stranger now. All these people, never stop cherish you and remember you and they always talked about your endless energy and passion for everything, these people truly love you. They have kept your memories so close to them like you never ceased to exist. Is not real though, your existence is nothing but a delusion you have left a long time ago and you are never coming back.

In various moments of my life, I tried to remember when and what was it that broke us apart, was it a specific event or a series of events. Many times, I wondered if I didn’t make so many mistakes you would still be here at least in spirit, you would have evolved into something different, into something that you would be proud of. Many times, I would try so desperately to find you, think and act like you but I would fail miserably every time until I decided to repress every little memory of you.

Reflecting back, I buried you because I was afraid that you would hate what I have become. You were so different from me, I can't even believe that we even knew each other. You were my greatest teacher, my guide but I had to destroy you as the guilt that comes from your memories would have destroyed me.

The worst thing of this is knowing that you are alive but have chosen to leave me or maybe you did because it was time that we separate. We have grown apart to the point where we don’t recognise each other anymore. We are not each other anymore, I would not be where I am without you, I wouldn’t even exist without you. I don’t even know if I still want you but there is a part of me that does, that part needs your strength and excitement, your passion for everything around, that part of me still longs those times where we were one. Now you are just someone I used to know, someone I miss, but I know you had to die in order for me to come into being. That someone is myself, the person I have killed is the little girl I once was.

Growing up and evolving is inevitable, but what happens to that little girl inside you, what happens to her dreams and aspirations that are slowly drifting away, what happens when you grow apart from yourself to the point where you lose a part of your identity. Similar to the cycle of life something must die for something new to begin.


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@AnN3e

21 comments

  1. this post made me sad ... growing up is both exciting and depressing at the same time... there are just so many things from my childhood that I miss so bad... if only i could turn back time but then.. i guess this is really part of growing up where there is a part of you that should be left behind in order to give way to a new you

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  2. When I look at my daughter who is four I hope she never loses her inner child because it's such a special beautiful thing but I think so many of us do and it is so sad because it's a precious side of ourselves.

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  3. Beautifully written and welcome back to blogging my pumpkin. It made me sad to read this because 'squashing our inner child' and supressing memories from the past can make us repressed and that is obviously not good for our mental health. But I get where you are coming from, after all in order for something to progress something must die. Weirdly despite my difficult upbringing I miss so many elements of my childhood and I too believe that a part of me is sometimes ashamed of who I am or rather who I used to be. Things are different now x

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  4. Growing up is a hard lesson in life, I hope my daughter manages to cope with the bad time she is having, I'm sure it is a part she would rather forget than go through pain and suffering, but then that is life and we have to bury these things away otherwise they would eat away at our very soul x

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  5. Lovely read. It's funny how we change as we grow older isn't it?! Although I don't think I will ever 'grow up' but I am certainly more mellowed since having the kiddies x

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  6. Growing up is just a part of the life process... We all change, and we will change even more, the only thing we can do is to promise ourselves that the change will be only good... don't get depressed or sad.. you've been through so many things in your life, both bad and good and yet here you stand. This is what you are... take care of yourself and everything else will follow through... life is beautiful! And you are beautiful, and me and everyone! Love, accept and embrace yourself cause this is who you are, who you were and who you're going to be!

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  7. Growing up can seem so exciting however we all change depending on the lessons we have learned in life. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I was a teenager and definitely not the same person I was before I had my son.

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  8. Growing up is hard, sometimes I wish I was the same person as the little girl and then I realised how much I have grown and learnt since then. good and bad, but it is always hard letting go

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    1. Same here it seems so easy to be able to turn back time but that is not the case. We must accept and move forward x

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  9. Interesting post. It can be so hard losing someone and then when they enter back into your life or thoughts it can reopen old wounds and feelings.

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  10. I think it is natural to grow apart from friends as you grow up, although a couple of my best friends from childhood I still see now

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  11. Growing up and leaving our old selves behind is sad but it's exciting to move forward with our lives too.

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  12. What a deep post. Growing up and evolving is a must.

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  13. Growing up is not easy - for someones it can be really hard. I'm just experiencing 2 kids wanting to be adults but on the other hand they are just kids still. All that struggling for finding and trying to be comfortable with themselves is so hard.

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  14. Such a beautiful and interesting post , extremely well written. I certainly understand where you are coming from, we have so much dreams, when younger, but with growing up, comes real life experiences.

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  15. Powerful post. It is an important part of getting older to let go of the person you used to be and embrace the person you are now. I'm also trying to let go of my babies and recognise the people they are becoming in their own right.

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  16. You've written this so well and there are parts of this that really resonate with me as someone who had a similar set of circumstances

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  17. So beautifully written. This spoke to me on many levels. You have a lovely writing voice. Elinor x

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  18. I lost my best friend when she moved around the world to New Zealand it broke my heart, we still keep in touch but it's not the same as a cuddle and a coffee when you need it. But we all grow up and start new chapters in our lives it's all part of life.

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  19. wow this is so intense it really shows how internally losing some one can have effect on us, well said Annie, your words are like poetry to my ears.

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